Dear Dr Pene: Why is my best friend never happy for me?
Question |
Dear Dr Pene,
I can’t help but feel that my closest friend is never happy for me. We have been best friends since childhood, but in the last few years things have changed. I’d even go as far as to say that it feels like she’s always putting me down. She does it in a jokey way, but I’m always left feeling hurt by the things she says.
For example, after working lots of extra hours and really budgeting, I managed to finally pay for a trip for me and the kids. I was really excited, but when I told her she didn’t say one nice thing. Instead she carried on about how she couldn’t think about anything worse than going on a trip with her kids.
I got a similar negative response a couple of years ago when I purchased a brand new car (it was black). This was huge for me on so many levels. But of course, she made the remark “Oh why on earth did you choose black! Never in a million years would I buy a black car - they show up the dirt and they get so hot in summer”. I was crushed.
I’m always excited for her when good things happen - but it certainly doesn’t go both ways. I don’t understand why she has to try and put a dampener on things?
Dr Pene |
Whether it’s good or bad news, our impulse as humans is to share our news with those close to us. Most of us don’t give too much thought about how our friends will react to our good news. We assume that they’ll share in our happiness, and react with excitement and enthusiasm. But what happens when they don’t?
Friendships are like any relationship, they are complex. Many of us place a lot of value on our friendships, and the reality is that these close bonds can sometimes evoke difficult dynamics. Our closest friends know the best and worst of us. While familiarity is part of what makes us feel most understood and seen, it can also make it easy for us to slide into unhelpful dynamics. Over time, friendships can grow, change, evolve and some might even dissolve. Successful friendships are built on mutual respect, honesty and a “give-and-take” pattern of interaction. But when a friend’s behaviour makes us question their motives and allegiance, it might be time for us to take a closer look at what’s going on.
It sounds like you are going through a really tough time in your friendship right now. The way that your friend is responding to you, is clearly upsetting, particularly when it appears to have emerged in your closest friendship. Research suggests that the way in which people respond to good news, is a key factor in strengthening relationships, or undermining them. As it turns out, your friend’s lack of enthusiasm and encouragement might actually be a good indicator of the health of your friendship.
Dr. Shelly Gable, from the University of California Los Angeles has identified four main styles that individuals use when responding to good news. These are enthusiasm, passive encouragement, negativity and disinterest. According to Gable, the enthusiastic response style is the only one that helps to further enhance and strengthen relationships. When we share positive events or good news with others, we are actually sharing our strengths. So if people respond to our news enthusiastically, they are actually increasing the pleasure associated with the good news. In contrast, your friend’s response of negativity is likely to have left you feeling less understood, validated or supported. It also appears to be quite dismissive of what you have achieved.
Friendships, just like relationships can go through different and sometimes difficult phases. Now might be a good time to be curious about why your friend is responding to you in this way. Ask yourself: Has she always responded to my good news in this way, or is this a new pattern? If so, what might have changed for her to be responding with negativity? When people don’t feel good about themselves, they might look for ways to boost their self-esteem. Sometimes they might even resort to put-downs or negative comments as a way of momentarily giving themselves a sense of being better than others. Is it possible that this might be the case with your friend? Or perhaps you feel that envy or competitiveness may be a feature of your friendship? Another possibility is that sometimes we can transfer or displace our emotions onto our closest relationships. Could it be that your friend is feeling negative about other things, but is projecting her feelings onto you?
There are many possible explanations for why this might be occurring, and only through some honest discussions with your friend will you be able to uncover the truth. Usually in situations like this, sharing your feelings with your friend will act as a good starting point (see script below for some ideas). It will be important to communicate in an assertive manner in order to help minimise conflict and control anger. The beauty of communicating your thoughts and feelings using assertive communication is that you protect your own needs, while also respecting the needs and rights of your friend.
Long-term close friendships are founded on trust and commitment. They are also in a sense irreplaceable. You have a long shared history with your friend, and I suspect that you have been through many major transitions together. In some cases long-term friendships can turn toxic and come to a natural end, but in many instances the difficult patches that we inevitably face, can be worked through. In fact, working through the difficulties can often deepen a friendship in a way that good times alone cannot.
Some things you might like to think about…
Address dynamics if you feel they are motivated by a need to control, dominate or feel superior.
Be open and honest with your friend about how you are feeling.
Work together to build a culture within your friendship that is more supportive.
Here’s what you can say…
“Lately I’ve noticed that when I share my “good news” with you, you respond by pointing out the negatives and things you don’t like”(Here you describe your friends behaviour, being careful to do this without interpreting or judging). “When this happens, it makes me feel like you’re minimising and dismissing the good things that are happening in my life. The things I’m proud of and really excited about - the things that are really important to me. (Here you’re describing the impact of the person’s behaviour on you. Be specific and clear. Avoid over-generalisations). “It makes me feel upset and hurt that you don’t seem happy or excited for me” (Describe your feelings). “I wanted to let you know how I was feeling, as it’s been upsetting me lately. We have been through so much together and you’re my closest friend - and I would love it if when I share my good news with you in the future, you could share in my excitement and happiness, rather than just pointing out the negatives you see”. (Here you are clearly stating how you would prefer the behaviour to be in the future).
Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.