Dear Dr Pene: My wife and I constantly argue

Question |

Dear Dr Pene,

My wife and I constantly argue. It always starts off over housework or money but ends up getting really personal. We both get really angry and just let it rip, and it’s like we try to say things that we know will really hurt each other.

I try to just ignore it, but to be honest she has said some fairly hurtful things to me in the past and I find it hard to get past.

Dr Pene |

Simmering anger. Verbal bombshells. Silent treatment. Have you ever stopped to think about your arguing style? How we argue, especially whether it is fair or unfair, can greatly influence the health of our relationship. When arguments occur, it’s important for both parties to “fight fair”. While fights over housework or money will end at some point, your relationship will continue, so communicating in a way that doesn’t damage the relationship but instead preserves it for the future is crucial.

From what you describe, you and your wife seem to be stuck in a cycle of negative escalations. As a first step, I would invite you both to work on maintaining your control and expressing your standpoints in a constructive way, as opposed to being personally critical of each other. At the moment, your arguments are clearly going off track and deteriorating to the point where you are resorting to expressing your anger and frustration through hurtful comments. This pattern of “unfair fighting” won’t solve your issues.

In “unfair fighting”, anger is usually present. So in order to promote “fair fighting”, both parties must learn to manage their anger, and maintain some level of control around listening. When anger begins to take over it becomes harder for us to think rationally. And this is when we are more likely to engage in unfair fighting and launch into personal attacks.

So, instead of playing a tit-for-tat in exchanging harsh with each other, try practicing the skill of being able to complain without criticising. A complaint is respectful and focuses on a specific problem or particular behaviour without attacking or blaming the other person. Criticism tends to focus on what is wrong with your partner. Words like ‘never’ and ‘always’ are frequently used to attack your partner’s character. Ask yourself: “What am I needing here and how can I best communicate that need?

Next, consider whether you have a win-lose or a win-win attitude? When couples have a win-lose attitude they will find it enormously difficult to put aside their desire to win. Couples with this attitude begin to view themselves more as enemies than allies. This makes it near impossible for them to negotiate, cooperate or compromise with one another. If you think that you might be in this dynamic, remind yourself that a win-lose argument really means that both people lose. In contrast, a win-win attitude assumes that you will work together to find a solution that meets both your needs.

It’s important that you both make a conscious effort to argue in a constructive and fair way. Disagreements are bound to arise at different times in all relationships, but arguing fair is paramount to the survival of a healthy relationship. Learning how to navigate conflict when it arises in your relationship involves learning how to talk to each other even when you don’t agree. Fair fights begin with a capacity and willingness to accept differences and manage conflicts without harming the relationship. They end by reaching a mutually agreeable solution.

Some things you might like to think about…

  • Prevent anger escalations. Anger can create vicious cycles that stop all reasonable discussions, negotiations and prohibit the ability to reach an agreement.

  • Try to avoid fighting when you’re tired, exhausted or emotional. At these times we are less rational or able to problem solve to our best ability. Instead, try to go for a walk, take a bath, or just have some time out for yourself. Remember you are not ignoring the issue, you are instead choosing to come back to it at a time when you have more resources available to “fight fair” and constructively resolve the issue.

  • Stick to the issue of the moment. Don’t resort to personal attacks or name-calling. Take a break from the fight if things start to escalate, and come back to the issue when you feel calmer.

  • Seek a clear resolution where you reach an agreement, make a compromise or agree to postpone the discussion.

Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.

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