Dear Dr Pene: I have a great sex life but nothing more
Question |
Dear Dr Pene,
My husband and I have always had amazing chemistry and a great sex life but nothing more. As the years pass I find myself feeling more and more alone.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but he is not one to discuss emotional issues (or anything really!). He just responds by saying “What are you even going on about - we have a great relationship!”.
We have nothing else in common and I don’t know whether chemistry alone is enough?
Dr Pene |
The answer to your question as to whether a great sex life and chemistry are enough to sustain a relationship in the longterm, depends very much on the couple. For some couples, this will work. For others, as you are experiencing there might come a point where you need more from your relationship than purely just a physical connection. As most of us know, intimacy is a central component to a happy and healthy relationship. But what does intimacy actually entail? And does a great sex life equal great intimacy in a marriage?
Psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests that relationships consist of three major components: intimacy, passion and commitment. Firstly, “intimacy” includes feelings of being close, connected or bonded to another person. People can experience intimacy through a combination of physical, emotional and intellectual connections. Secondly, “passion” encompasses the sexual chemistry, desire, physical arousal and sexual interaction that exist between individuals. Lastly, commitment refers to the conscious decision to stay invested in a relationship.
According to Sternberg, the quality and level of satisfaction associated with a relationship will be determined by which components are present. Some relationships might have only one component, while others might have two. But it is those relationships that contain all three that are commonly the most fulfilling and the ones likely to survive long-term.
Ultimately, people are attracted to different types of relationships based on their own individual needs. So only you can decide what you value and need most in a relationship. Ask yourself: Does my relationship contain some, all, or none of the three components? Next, consider what is most important to you in a relationship by examining which of the three components you are most drawn to.
What intimacy means to one person can be very different to what it means to another. Is it possible that while your husband values physical intimacy that you on the other hand value emotional intimacy? It’s important that you and your husband consider how you both define intimacy. To do this, consider the many different kinds of intimacy. Together, you might like to give yourselves a current satisfaction score across the three domains of intimacy (Feeling close, connected and bonded to to each other), passion (Sexual intimacy, desire, sexual interaction) and commitment (feeling invested an the relationship). Compare your scores. Be curious about each others responses.
While sex is an important component of a relationship, it is still only one part. Examine your relationship as a whole and determine how healthy you feel it is at the moment. Do you feel close and connected to each other? Knowing what your partner likes and dislikes is just as important as communicating your own needs. By doing this you will be encouraging open and effective communication which is closely associated with intimacy and relationship satisfaction.
Communicating about relationship issues in an open and effective way can be difficult for some individuals and couples. These conversations can in many cases bring up a lot of emotion and anxiety. If this is your experience you might find that therapy is helpful in guiding you through these discussions. The bottom line is that when a mismatch occurs between a major relationship components, one spouse can be left feeling unfulfilled. Open sexual communication and a greater awareness about what you are both needing can help to build a foundation for a better relationship and lead to greater feelings of intimacy. In fact, such conversations have the power to transform your relationship.
Some things you might like to think about…
Relationships are always evolving and changing, so remember that these components can vary and change over time. In general terms the longevity of a relationship is dependent on a couple’s ability to maintain a balance in their feelings of intimacy, passion and commitment.
Relationships that are based solely on one component are most likely to fail.
A book you might find helpful “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John Gottman & Julie Gottman
Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.