Dear Dr Pene: My husband rolls his eyes at whatever I say
Question |
Dear Dr Pene,
I’m not sure that my husband really loves me. For the past couple of years he seems to constantly make sarcastic remarks (kind of putting me down) and will roll his eyes at whatever I say.
I used to be really confident, but now I feel like a shadow of my former self. I find myself crying a lot lately and I’m not sure how to tell if he still loves me or not…
Dr Pene |
It sounds like you are going through a really tough time in your relationship right now. When I read your question there are a number of areas that I would like to explore with you. While you seem to be doubting whether your husband actually loves you, you also seem to be filled with a lot of self-doubt. It sounds like you’ve really lost your sense of self. When you write “I used to be really confident, but I feel like a shadow of my former self” I wonder what’s happened to cause this change? Has your confidence been slowly eroded away due to your husband’s comments and behaviour? Or is there something else that has caused your confidence to drop?
I’m also interested in the way that you and your husband communicate. It sounds like the sarcastic remarks /put downs and rolling eyes have become the norm, yet these are undoubtedly still highly distressing to you. While it can be tempting for many of us to minimise these patterns of interactions and see them as harmless, the truth is they can have a significant impact on the health of our relationships. So let’s take a closer look at why this is.
Professor John Gottman, famous for his work on relationships, has discovered that contempt is one of the most important predictors as to whether a relationship will succeed or fail. After studying 1000’s of couples he found he could predict with 90% accuracy whether or not a couple would stay together. And one of the main things he looked for as an indicator of this was expressions' of contempt. But it is not all doom and gloom, if you recognise this pattern in your relationship, it can be changed.
Contempt can be expressed verbally in the form of casual insults, putdowns, yelling, mocking, sarcasm and hurtful teasing. Such comments are usually delivered with an air of superiority. But what contempt reveals about a relationship is that there is underlying inequality. And this can be problematic. Contempt can also be expressed nonverbally through things like rolling eyes, sneering, not making eye contact or looking away. You can think about contempt as a criticism that is bolstered by hostility or disgust.
Contempt can be one of the most destructive emotional reactions to a relationship. It can be very hurtful and can lead to increased levels of defensiveness, resentment, frustration and hostility within a marriage. As a result, communication can become more difficult and spouses may begin to withdraw from one another. This is where emotional connections within marriages can also start to deteriorate.
If contempt continues to show up in your relationship, the emotional toll is likely to be high. It’s quite likely that this pattern of interaction has contributed to your self-esteem and self-confidence decreasing. When you say that you’re crying a lot lately, I would encourage you to examine what your emotions are trying to tell you. Ask yourself: What am I needing? Am I fulfilled? Only you will be able to find the answers to these questions.
Long term relationships are full of complex dynamics and quite often we can slide into unhelpful patterns of interaction without even knowing that we have. It will be important to consider if, and how, you and your husband can build a culture of fondness, appreciation, admiration and respect back into your relationship. Gottman talks about the antidotes of contempt as being: fondness and admiration, and they are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting relationship, and ca be crucial in getting through the tough times and times of conflict.
My advice for you right now would be to attend couples or individual therapy to help you to navigate through this difficult time. It is clear from your letter that an unhelpful pattern of interaction has emerged in your relationship. Perhaps once you objectively examine your relationship you might decide it’s no longer for you? Maybe you need someone that is going to lift you higher not squash you down? Or maybe, you’re confident that together you and your husband can regain a culture of affection, respect and appreciation in your relationship. Either way, moving from where you are now onto a new path - whether that be alone - or a path where you and your husband work together to change your relationship dynamic - will no doubt be empowering and fulfilling.
Some things you might like to think about…
The 5 to 1 Rule: When there are more good things to say to one another than bad, your relationship will flourish. Gottman has discovered that when it comes to happy couples they have five times more positive interactions than negative ones. Think about that in the context of your relationship. You need to have five times as many positive things going on in your relationship for every one negative. This suggests that if your husband says something negative and hurts your feelings then it will take five positive things to make it up. Simply put, the equation is not balanced in terms of positive and negative. Negativity has a lot more ability to inflict pain and damage in a relationship than positive things have to heal and bring you closer.
Dr. John Gottman has designed the following questions to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship.
You might like to think about how you respond to your husband’s contempt. Do you retaliate with counter criticism? If so, you may be in what Gottman calls a cycle of Criticise/ Defend/ Counter-criticise. This negative cycle needs to be addressed as it can quickly escalate conflicts beyond reasonable control.
You might like to read: The Relationship Cure: A revolutionary five-step program for repairing troubled relationships — with spouses and lovers, family members, friends, and even your colleagues.
Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.