Dear Dr Pene: I’ve been in love with someone for years, but they don’t feel the same way
Question |
Dear Pene,
I’ve been in love with someone for years, but they don’t feel the same way. So my question is how do I get over them and move on?
Dr Pene |
When it comes to romantic love we mostly think about two people falling in love with each other. They meet. There’s an attraction. They fall in love and live happily ever after, right? Well, as you’re experiencing not always. Loving someone who doesn’t love us back can be intensely painful. We refer to love that is not returned, reciprocated or rewarded as “unrequited love”. The thing about unrequited love is that we’re not just talking about a small crush. We’re talking about all the emotions and feelings that go with falling in love, only it’s one-sided.
It’s unclear from your letter whether the person you are in love with is aware that you feel this way, or whether perhaps they might be unavailable? There are many different scenarios in which unrequited or one-sided love can occur, yet common amongst all of them is the hurt we feel. The feelings of joy, excitement and euphoria that you might have felt while falling for the person you want, can quickly be replaced by feelings of emptiness, anguish, panic, despair and anger. But unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. When love is rejected, or not returned, our self esteem can also take a battering.
So back to answering your question about how you “get over it” and “move on”. Working through the emotions, feelings and attitudes associated with unrequited love can be a lengthy and challenging process. The intensity of this process, and the speed with to which you move through it, will vary and be influenced by many factors including the nature of the rejection. A person’s willingness to start this journey is key here.
Grief is a natural response to loss, and unrequited love involves a number of losses. Discovering that the person you love doesn’t love you back often means saying goodbye to all the hopes, dreams and desires that you had pinned on the relationship. But the more you can let go and accept the situation, the better you will be able to handle the feelings of loss associated with unrequited love.
There are many periods of transition in getting through unrequited love, and its important to allow yourself time to pass through the various phases. It can be helpful to think about them in terms of the five stages of grief. These are: Denial (e.g. we will one day be together); Anger (e.g., How could they do this to me?); Bargaining (e.g., I’ll do anything if you’ll just love me?”); Depression (e.g., I just feel so sad and flat that we can’t be together”); and Acceptance (e.g. “I’m getting used to the idea that we will never be together”). Often, the heartache and pain of unrequited love is exactly what helps you to let go of the desired relationship and move on. We have to accept that we’ve been hurt, in order to start healing.
The good news is that people move on and get past unrequited love all the time. In fact, it may surprise you to know that during our lives the vast majority of us will have had some experience with love that is unrequited. So no matter how difficult it is at the moment, it won’t last forever. Engaging with a therapist to unpack what’s going on for you here would most likely be very beneficial. Such awareness, and insights, could help you to feel more empowered where you might have previously felt helpless.
Some things you might like to think about…
When it comes to unrequited love people can feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. At the very core of unrequited love is the desire to have something that we cannot have.
People experiencing unrequited love have been found to have higher levels of depression and tension, when compared to those experiencing mutual love.
One study found that 98% of people had been rejected by someone that they loved. By the early 20s, most people will have experienced both sides of unrequited love.
Unrequited love in many cases is not only painful for the person being rejected.
Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.