Dear Dr Pene: My best friend is putting pressure on our marriage
Question |
Dear Dr Pene,
I’m a busy 39-year old mum of two and I’m really struggling with my best friend. Around 18 months ago she had a really serious health issue and we were happy to drop everything and support her as best we could. She’s single and her family lives interstate so I guess we were it. We cooked her meals, cleaned her house, walked her dog and drove her to appointments.
Thankfully, she made a full recovery and has now been fit and well for the past 11 months. However, we’re finding that she still expects us to do what we were doing for her while she was in hospital! She constantly relies on us and she comes over for dinner almost every night of the week. To be honest it feels like having an extra child.
Both my husband and I never get a chance to relax and with her demands added into the mix we are struggling. We haven’t exercised in over a year - which doesn’t help us I know. To be honest, I feel like she’s putting pressure on our relationship that we just don’t need. We’re exhausted and I desperately need some “me” time, as does my husband but I can’t see how this can happen without offending and losing my lifelong friend. Any ideas would be very welcome.
Dr Pene |
What do you do when life seems to be running a bit low on happiness and high on drudgery? When you suddenly realise that your life has been hijacked by the demands of others’? When self-neglect has become a habit that you just can’t seem to break? Well the answer is quite simple. It’s a great opportunity to view it as a wake-up call and make a plan to change it. So, if there was ever a time when a little bit of selfishness could be helpful, it is now. Exhaustion and stress can affect not only your outlook on life, but also your mood. But before we jump ahead, let’s take a moment to examine how this dynamic might have developed for you all in the first place.
There are many pathways into situations like this, but for you it seems to be, what Psychologists refer to as a “crisis-driven habit”. If we unpack what happened when your friend was unwell, it sounds like you responded by immediately “dropping everything”. This kind of response is common and appropriate when we are faced with a “crisis” situation. We tend to give more. Do more than our fair share. And step up to the plate, putting the needs of others’ before our own. This is what psychologists refer to as “crisis-mode behaviour”.
Crisis-mode behaviour is very healthy and helpful during challenging times - such as when your friend had her health problems. But if we continue to use these kinds of self-sacrificing behaviours beyond the crisis, problems can occur. By its very nature crisis-mode behaviour is energy depleting. So, it is not surprising that you and your husband are both feeling exhausted.
During times of crisis, we know that roles can change, and so too can expectations. In the case of your friend, it seems that you and your husband stepped into a “carer” type role. Cooking for her, driving her to appointments, walking her dog etc. From what you describe, you’re still continuing to do this (or some of it), despite the fact that she is fully recovered and otherwise well.
So the big question is - why is this happening? Well quite often, it can be really difficult for us to extract ourselves from crisis mode dynamics once the crisis has actually passed. While you clearly want to support your friend, it is also essential that you move away from crisis-mode and start re-prioritising your own life. Without making significant changes, things won’t get any better. In fact, it’s highly likely they will only get worse.
It’s certainly clear that you will struggle to sustain your current level of “giving” for much longer, both physically and psychologically. If you believe this pattern is unable to be changed, I would encourage you to examine why this might be the case. What are the emotional blocks and beliefs that might be stopping you here? Are you perhaps both people pleasers by nature? Ultimately, only you and your husband can decide on how much support you can both give to your friend without risking your own health and wellbeing.
Lastly, your exhaustion level and feeling as though you don’t get any “me” time, or time together with your husband, is being shaped by two simple things - what you are saying “yes” to and what you are saying “no” to. Once you are clear about how much time and support you have available for your friend, you will be half way there. Setting better boundaries so that you can make room for rest, relaxation and, ultimately getting back to living your own life again is key to positive change. Communicating with your lifelong friend in an honest, authentic and assertive way is what is crucial here to protect your relationship. I’ve written some example scripts of what you could say below (see below “Here’s what you could say…”).
When we notice that we’re neglecting our own self-care or wellbeing, it can be a clue to stop and do a bit of a life audit. This pattern often appears simply because there is a discrepancy between the demands that are placed upon us and the resources that we have available to meet them. So examine how well your current resources (both emotional and physical) and your demands are matching up. All of this will help you to make a plan whereby your own needs and wants are also considered. Research shows that people who set goals, make a plan, and regularly review their progress will have the most success. So I’d also encourage you and your husband to do this.
Here’s what you could say…
“Lately X (Insert your husband’s name) and I have been really struggling…we’re feeling really exhausted. When we stopped to look at why this was the case we were surprised by how much we have overcommitted ourselves - and it hit us that we’ve left no time in the week to prioritise our own self care. Basic things like exercise…we just haven’t been doing”. (Identify and share the problem).
“So we’ve decided to make a few changes to see if we can feel more balanced and less exhausted again. For the next couple of months we’ve decided we need to prioritise some time for our own health. We’re going to commit to an exercise program and also schedule some one on one time for us. This means that we won’t be able to have dinner with you every night like we have been. But we were wondering if you might like to come to our place for dinner every Friday night?” (Set a limit that you feel comfortable with and stick to it).
“We thought rather than having dinner together on random week nights - that it would be a nice new ritual for us all, to come together and celebrate the end of the week. What do you think? (State how you would prefer the behaviour to be in the future).
Some things you might like to think about…
Writing or talking about problematic circumstances can help us to effectively manage our stress. Research shows that when people wrote about their personal challenges, they enjoyed better health outcomes than those people who didn’t.
Relationships need to be mutually rewarding. If one person takes too much, resentment is likely to build.
Stress can easily consume large amounts of time and energy, but remember that by investing time into yourself, you will actually be better equipped to manage the stress in your life.
Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.