Dear Dr Pene: I feel invisible to my partner
Question |
Dear Dr Pene,
Every time I try to connect with my partner I get nothing. I reach out to hold a hand, but I’m ignored. I suggest programs we can watch together, but I get no response. And I talk about the challenges I’m having at work, only to be met with silence and a blank look. I feel like we’re drifting further and further apart.
I’m not sure what’s going on! Truth be told, I feel like I’m completely invisible to my partner. Any ideas on what to do?
Dr Pene |
So what happens when we try to reach out to our partner only to find that they don’t respond? Perhaps they ignore us. Or perhaps they just seem preoccupied. Whatever the case, it can leave us feeling disappointed, rejected and alone. One thing is clear from your letter- and that is you seem to be trying desperately to connect with your partner, only to have him/her consistently turning away from you. Needless to say, I’m not surprised to read that you’re feeling invisible and like you’re drifting apart.
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman refers to our attempts to connect with our partner as “bids for connection”. Bids can be big or small, verbal or nonverbal, and are our attempts to get each others attention, affection, support or any other positive connection or affirmation. But the important thing is how we respond to our partners bids, and how they choose to respond to ours. Gottman has identified three main ways that we can respond to bids:
we can turn towards our partner (acknowledging the bid)
turn away from our partner (ignoring or missing the bid) or
turn against our partner (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way).
Think about it for a moment, each bid for connection that you have made has given your partner the opportunity to either respond positively and turn towards you (acknowledge your bid) or to ignore you and turn away or against you (dismiss the bid, or reject it). From what you’ve written, you’ve made bids for affection (holding hands), attention (spending time together watching TV) and support (sharing your work challenges), and at these times you’ve felt like your partner “turned away” from you. In many cases failing to respond to a partner’s bids to connect is not actually mean spirited, but is more commonly due to being insensitive to one another’s needs. But here’s the clincher: whatever the underlying reason, habitually responding in this way can do enormous harm to your relationship.
Research has found that one predictor of the main predictors of a healthy, long-term relationship is when individuals turn towards each other. Our bidding interactions basically have the power to lift us up, or bring us down, and can significantly impact on the well-being of our relationships. Gottman discovered that couples who had divorced six-years after their wedding, turned towards each other 33 percent of the time. That is, only three in 10 of their bids for emotional connection were responded to positively. In contrast, the couples who were still together six years after their wedding, turned towards each other 86 percent of the time. That’s nine times out of 10, that they were actually responding positively to their partner’s bid for connection. So quite a big difference in the way these couple’s were interacting and responding to each others needs.
Bids are fundamental not only to our emotional connection with our partner, but also to the health of our relationships. At the moment, your partner is turning away from your bids and it’s important to understand why this is happening. I’m curious as to how long this has been your bidding interaction pattern? Has it always been the case that you’ve felt invisible to your partner? Or is this perhaps a new pattern that has only recently emerged? Was there a time in your relationship that your partner responded to your bids to connect by turning towards you? It can be particularly hard to interpret the meaning behind silence. So it’s important to speak up, and communicate with your partner.
The good news here is that you can learn strategies to improve this dynamic and reconnect emotionally with each other. I would invite you to be curious about why your bidding interaction is this way at the moment. The more that you can both become aware of the concept of “bids”, the easier it will be to notice bids when they occur - and then respond in a way that is helpful and nurturing to your relationship. By proactively focusing on turning towards each others’ bids, you will be more likely to reconnect with each other on an emotional level and will probably notice that you start to grow closer again. A fulfilling relationship requires connection, and while this ebbs and flows, there are small choices we can make on a daily basis that increase our likelihood of a happy and long lasting relationship.
Here’s what you could say…
“Lately when I try to connect with you, I get no response and you turn away from me”(Here you’re using “I”statements and describing your partner’s behaviour objectively. Be careful to do this without interpreting or judging. This is all about identifying and sharing the problem). “Last night when I went to hold your hand, you pulled away and walked off” (Use a concrete example if you can).
“I’m left not knowing why this is. I start wondering why you’re ignoring me and what the silence might mean. To be honest my mind goes into overdrive trying to work out what might be going on. I begin to think that perhaps you are no longer interested in me, or attracted to me anymore? Do you want “out” of our relationship? Are you angry at me? Or perhaps you’re not aware I’m trying to connect with you?” (Describe the impact of your partner’s behaviour on you. Be specific and clear. Don’t overgeneralise).
“It makes me feel confused and alone - and like we’re drifting apart. I feel really upset and rejected. I feel like I’m invisible to you”. (Describe your feelings).
“I would really like to talk about our relationship and what’s going on. I’d love for you to share how you’re feeling. I also think it would be great if we could focus on how we’re responding to each other, and really make an effort to respond positively and connect with each other again. Do you think we could try this? Or do you think it might be worthwhile us working with a therapist to help us to work through these issues”. (State how you would prefer the behaviour to be in the future).
Some things you might like to think about…
Read “The Relationship Cure - A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening your Marriage, Family and Friendships”
Communication can become particularly difficult during times of transition or stress.
Habitually turning away from your partner can eventually destroy your relationship. Seek therapy to work through these issues if required.
What are the three ways you can respond to a bid?
According to Gottman there are three main ways you can respond to a bid:
Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)
Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)
Dear Dr Pene is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.