Are you self-sabotaging?
“Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we’re enough and letting go of what the world says we’re supposed to be and supposed to call ourselves.”
SELF-SABOTAGE // Have you ever tried to lose weight? Break a bad habit? Or set yourself a goal that you really wanted to achieve? Only to find that you gave up fairly quickly. Maybe you made excuses, or perhaps you rationalised it by telling yourself: “There’s no point, I’ll never reach my goal anyway”. Most of us can remember such times, probably more often than we care to admit. Times when it’s like we’ve become our own worst enemy. When we’ve gone against ourselves and created unnecessary, self-generated pain and stress. Self-sabotage is surprisingly complex and common. So what drives this behaviour? And how can we change it? How can we learn to become our own biggest supporter and cheer squad?
Quite often self sabotaging behaviours come back to the core beliefs that we have about ourselves. If deep down we view ourselves as being unworthy or undeserving, we can self-sabotage. But there’s a bit more to it than just this.
Self-sabotage behaviours can show up in the most unlikely of places. Think about the last time somebody gave you a compliment for example. Did you graciously thank them and accept it? Or perhaps you tried to shut it down and it was hard for you to accept it? If so, is it possible that you didn’t feel like you deserved the compliment? Maybe you felt embarrassed or self-conscious with the attention that the compliment brought? Whatever the case, rejecting compliments can be a warning sign to indicate that self sabotaging behaviour is alive and well.
When we set ourselves a goal, or set out to solve a problem, self-sabotaging obstacles can commonly arise. So to start with it’s helpful to break these different obstacles down into two different groups: practical and psychological. Practical obstacles can be things like time or financial constraints. Whereas psychological obstacles are any thoughts, feelings, beliefs or attitudes that might stop us from making progress towards our goal.
Leading experts in the field, Professor Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey, reveal that when it comes to change, desire and motivation aren’t enough alone. They suggest that while part of us might be devoted to the change, another part of us, might want everything to stay exactly as it is. As a result, we actively self-sabotage and prevent ourselves from the very change we wish to make. If we take the goal of wanting to lose weight for example, we can use one of their activities to explore whether there are any self-sabotaging behaviours that might be holding us back. Start by drawing up three columns. In the first column, write your goal. What is it that you really want?
In the next column, create a list of all the behaviours that you do that work against this goal. For example, it might be things like eating too much, eating when not hungry, not exercising, or eating take away every night etc. This column is useful in highlighting any behaviours that might be undermining your progress.
Next ask yourself: why do I persist with the behaviours in column 2 when they prevent me from getting what I want? To answer this, you must examine any competing or “hidden” commitments that you might have about losing weight in the last column. To do this, ask yourself: If I was to do the opposite of what I wrote in column 2, what am I most afraid of?
For example, on one hand you might be really committed to losing weight. But on the other hand, you might be unconsciously afraid of the attention you might receive if you lost your weight. The idea here is that once you identify your competing commitment or underlying fears, you can then move forward with your goal. When it comes to making changes, our mindset can profoundly affect our chance at succeeding.
Specs of Gold
· SELF-SABOTAGE can be tricky. Start by identifying your own self-defeating behaviours.
· ONCE we can identify our own roadblocks, we can start to challenge those self-defeating behaviours and find more pleasure and satisfaction in the process of change.
· APPROACH change as a process. Start by changing one thing at a time. Acknowledge each small accomplishment rather than focusing on the end result.